


Steven Absurd

by Revelation_Dis



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, Humor, M/M, Multi, Parody, Satire
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2018-01-09
Packaged: 2018-11-09 04:04:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11096517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Revelation_Dis/pseuds/Revelation_Dis
Summary: "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Crazy Lace Agate?" Steven asked."Time is a human construct and therefore meaningless," Garnet answered."Oh," said Steven, disappointed, "I guess I better go to the barn."***Steven Absurd is a series of very absurd short stories set in the world of Steven Universe. These stories are pure and utter crack. You have been warned.





	1. Chapter One: In Which Peridot and Lapis fondly remember their one year anniversary.

Truly it was a blessed May 21st, 2017…or was it May 26th, 2017? Let it be known that for reasons totally random Lapis Lazuli had moved the entire barn to the countryside in France on May 21st, 2017.

“LAPIS!” Peridot shrieked like a little gremlin who was hanging on for dear life, “WHY DID YOU MOVE US TO THIS ENTIRELY NEW LOCATION??”

“Zut alors!” Lapis shouted just before she dropped Peridot from well over one-hundred feet in the air. 

“LAPIS YOU BIIIIiiiitch!” Peridot again shrieked as she plummeted to the ground.

“FRENCH WORD FOR OH SHIT!!” Lapis cried out before she swooped down to save Peridot from being not-so-terribly-injured. The Alpha Blue Flying Gem managed to save Peridot with exactly 7.4 seconds to spare.

“Lapis,” Peridot panted, “Why are we in this strange location?”

“You don’t remember?” Lapis asked.

Lapis looked very depressed. She had planned this out ever since she began having erotic dreams about Peridot eating Cocoa Puffs, but now it seemed as though Peridot had forgotten all about their anniversary.

“It was exactly one year ago today that we met again at the barn, but it was here, in France.”

“But, Steven lives in Beach City which is in the United Stated of America,” Peridot replied.

“Yes, but that was on May 26th, 2016.” Lapis tried to explain, but sort of failed because she was craving Froot Loops.

Lapis wondered what it would be like for her and Peridot to eat sugary cereal in the barn which was now in France for some reason. The blue Gem sighed. “You really don’t remember?” Lapis asked.

“Come to think of it, I do vaguely remember speaking in another Earth dialect,” Peridot mused as a flashback began to take over.

-FLASHBACK-

“I know, I know, see. Did you know that you can go home. This place does not look like a house. Only you, and what we know, no one seems to know. Oh, wait, I can! We are the same except you do.” Peridot insisted, sounding like a very botched translation.

“Peridot, you look like a bad translation,” Lapis answered back.

-END FLASHBACK-

“Wow,” Peridot began, “It’s as if some writer threw a sentence into Google translate in ten different languages and then back to English!”

“Yeah.”

-MEANWHILE BACK IN THE USA-

-shot of Lapis and Peridot eating Church’s chicken.-


	2. In Which Holly Blue Agate Tries to Seduce the Famethyst, but They're Too Busy Talking About Their Horoscopes to Notice.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exactly what it says on the tin!

Holly Blue Agate only loved working at The Zoo because her Diamond, the best Diamond of them all; the gracious and merciful Blue Diamond had bestowed upon Holly the honor of watching over The Zoo. If she wanted to be honest, Holly would tell someone that she actually hated the job. She thought the humans were stupid, useless organic creatures. She could never understand why Pink Diamond liked humans, but then again, Pink Diamond wasn't as good as Blue Diamond.

Holly also thought only slightly higher of the Amethysts and the off-color betas. In her opinion, they were only slightly better than those noisy humans.

One day, Holly was feeling very horny. No amount of masturbation helped! Why she even fucked herself with her own tentacle, but that did nothing to sate her sexual appetites! What she needed was a good hard pounding by those Quartz Gems. She had watched them having sex before on multiple occasions. She never revealed herself because as an Agate she was supposed to terrify them, not be turned on by them!

Years later it all became too much for Holly. She was horny and desperate! "That's it!" she shouted to nobody, "I will find a way to mate with those Quartzes!"

Holly's opinion of them had grown because after one of her biggest epic fails of all time, the Quartz soldiers did not bring her to Blue Diamond. 

She had also been watching the humans and their mating rituals. She noticed that they would make themselves up, make their outfits more revealing, and sing songs to their mate. Holly knew that she would need to do all this to seduce the Amethysts, and Jaspers, and the one Carnelian. She spent the next six months preparing herself, and at long last she was ready!

Dressed in nothing but a lacy midnight blue bra, midnight blue panties, and midnight blue garters and stockings; Holly entered the barracks. All of the Quartz soldiers were there! Holly started by swaying her hips a little.

"Ahem!" she coughed.

"Oh, uh hey Holly!" 8XJ answered.

She immediately went back to looking at a booklet. "Okay, so according to this, Skinny, you would be a Taurus."

"Taurus? Isn't that one of those constellations we went to that one year?" Skinny asked.

"Hell yeah!" Shouted Sharky.

"Humans also think it's a bull. This says that, "Your financial career will take a turn for the better but only if you stop being so uptight and stubborn about your love life." 8XJ read.

Skinny rolled her eyes. "Right...so basically my so called career will get better if I just stop fucking Carny?"

In the background, Holly was getting desperate! Why were they not paying any attention to her? Maybe she just needed to up the ante? Holly decided that what she needed to do was to sing a song for them! She strutted over to the one nicknamed Chip (because she was a fan of Chips A’Hoy cookies, you see, not because of the chip in her tooth.) With all of the grace and seductiveness of a graceful and seductive ballerina stripper, Holly threw her hips to one side. She raised her arms above her head and sashayed around the sexy Quartzes.

“You and me baby,” she crooned in a low, sweet voice, “ain’t nothin’ but mammals,” she draped her arms over 8XJ, “so let’s do it like they do on the Discovery channel!”

“Okay! Sharky! Wow, this one is weird!” 8XJ said.

“What?” Sharky asked.

“You’re Libra, the scales of justice or some shit!”

“Aww, what? I wanted to be something cool! Like a shark!”

Skinny yawned, “There are no sharks in this stupid astrology thing.”

“There are fish! I’m hungry for fish!!” shouted Carnelian, because her zodiac sign was Leo and sometimes lions like to eat fish.

This is true because one time I had a lion and the damn thing ate all of my fish!

Holly could hardly believe it! Her sexy attempts at seducing the sexy Quartz soldiers had failed! Now they would never sexily have sex with her sexy being in many sexy ways!

Dejected, Holly left the barracks for her room. It was there that she pulled out her erotic collections of Blue Diamond erotic sex fics and read them.

Meanwhile at the barracks:

“Man, I’m getting horny!” 8XL said, “I’m going to see if Holly wants to have a fantastical banging orgy with us!”


	3. In Which Steven and Connie Have Been Married For Ten Years But They Still Can't Have Sex.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exactly what it says on the tin.

“Steven?” Connie asked her husband of ten years, “Do you think tonight we could make love?”

“I’m sorry Connie, but by the laws of tumblr we’re not allowed to,” Steven sighed.

“WHAT?!! We’re in our STARDAMN THIRTIES!!!” Connie yelled in frustration.

“I know, but because I’m 3 months older than you that would cause problems.”

“AAAAAAAARGH!!!!!” Connie roared before she threw a chair against the glass-door.


	4. Lapis and Peridot: The Lust That Transcends Beyond The Portals of The Doors of The Windows of Utter Fucking Pretentiousness.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a blatant satire of a certain infamous SU fic.

Lapis and Peridot are at an expensive restaurant in Empire City dining on Douche Burgers.

“Lapis, I fear that I may not enjoy this carnal pleasure of this slaughtered cow so divine,” Peridot cried in the anguish of a million emperor penguins who had sought not the sun of blazing winter.

The Blue Gem swallowed her burger whole like a talented prostitute who gives worship to even the lowliest of phallic members. “Peridot, you, the love of my celestial existence should know the beautiful pleasures of light made mass.”

“Oh, Lapis! Let us commence to the pleasures of debauchery right here in this very establishment!” Peridot cried out in anguish tearing asunder the confinements that so strangled her body.

“Peridot! Your divine body is making the lust of my heart go down into the pleasures of my wondrous cock! Let us make love on this table in full view of these patrons!” Lapis howled as she tore her skirt off to reveal a bulbous pulsating cock of many ridges and bumps.

Peridot squealed when Lapis slammed her onto the table and searched for purchase to Peridot’s desperate cunt. Like a dog’s mouth devouring the bone of a steak so wondrous so did Peridot’s cunt grab hold of Lapis’s cock. “Oh Lapis! Fuck me! Fuck me!! FUCK ME!!”

“Tell me in moans how much you desire my most divine rod to plunder the depths of your womb!”

The souls in Hell could not give a cry of such pleasures so previously denied. Peridot’s lustful moans of agony shattered the glasses of the restaurant. “LAPIS! FUCK ME LIKE THE GOD PAN FUCKS THE GOAT!”

“BLEAT FOR ME LIKE THE WHORE GOAT YOU ARE!” Lapis screamed as she thrust harder and harder into Peridot.

“Baaa-aaaa-AAAA-AAAA!!!” The Capricornous cry of the sea goat which lies in space came forth from the mouth of the Peridot.

“YES!! OOOH!! I wish to fuck you like a war god fucks his cities!” Lapis cried out between heathenous thrusts of sensual bliss.

Peridot shrieked in blissful agony as her slick cunt grabbed tightly the mighty cock of the goddess she so desperately worshiped. Lapis let out a thunderous roar as her divine penis sent forth the divine seeds of which to seek the womb. Peridot’s greedy cunt swallowed whole the thick waters of the Lapis whose orgasm had unleashed the rains of an angry storm god Baal to drown Empire City in the waters of the lust of two Gems.

“Oh Lapis, your knotted cock in me makes me desire the pleasures more!”

Lapis groaned, “oh my fucking stars Peridot! I’m fucking exhausted!”

And Lapis fell asleep with Peridot still tied to her and the souls of Empire City applauded the best porn they had ever witnessed.

Bullshit.


End file.
